I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
