Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
