I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize