One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
