You work out of a Hotel?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
