I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
