someone owes me an orgasm
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
