My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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