Will you blow on my dice?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
