my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
