i permit you to call me
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
