My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Pooping to opera.
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