Texts From Last Night

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  (323): View more from California

  The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.

  (1-323): View more from California

  Did you put it in the freezer again?

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  (323): The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child. (1-323): Did you put it in the freezer again? http://tfl.nu/uvmz
  Replies (29) Good night (1099) Bad night (6456)
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  (315): View more from New York

  if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!

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  (315): if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all! http://tfl.nu/te8n
  Replies (15) Good night (4617) Bad night (926)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"

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  (404): Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis" http://tfl.nu/144a
  Replies (14) Good night (2915) Bad night (833)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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  (773): She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win. (1-773): Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married http://tfl.nu/w32w
  Replies (19) Good night (1249) Bad night (7630)
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  (564): View more from Washington

  I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.

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  (564): I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home. http://tfl.nu/c3b2
  Replies (9) Good night (5600) Bad night (1024)
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  (845): View more from New York

  What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

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  (845): What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know http://tfl.nu/y6wb
  Replies (5) Good night (4463) Bad night (1324)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.

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  (740): he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue. http://tfl.nu/53t4
  Replies (18) Good night (2514) Bad night (2069)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.

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  (512): Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent. http://tfl.nu/bb3p
  Replies (7) Good night (1123) Bad night (2387)
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  (310): View more from California

  I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.

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  (310): I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning. http://tfl.nu/9168
  Replies (5) Good night (2362) Bad night (722)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.

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  (812): I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy. http://tfl.nu/z5fr
  Replies (13) Good night (2940) Bad night (581)
• Favorite

  (571): View more from Virginia

  Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter

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  (571): Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter http://tfl.nu/fvpm
  Replies (2) Good night (984) Bad night (403)
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.

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  (312): Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'. http://tfl.nu/60ox
  Replies (10) Good night (1300) Bad night (458)
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.

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  (765): Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it. http://tfl.nu/ilaz
  Replies (0) Good night (660) Bad night (330)
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it

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  (832): Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it http://tfl.nu/qafe
  Replies (2) Good night (713) Bad night (359)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.

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  (248): Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad. http://tfl.nu/51dc
  Replies (2) Good night (333) Bad night (741)

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