Are we in a gay sports bar?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.