he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
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We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
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His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now