I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.