You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
