This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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