you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
