chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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