my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
