I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
