oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
