I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
only you would photoshop your dick
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
