He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
