This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
