you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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