You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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