just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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