I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
you never un-have a 4some
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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