How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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