she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
