I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
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I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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