Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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