So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
