:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
