Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Are we still banned from the library?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
