At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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