Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
