The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
