I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
