I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
