dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
