My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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