Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
