how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
