11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
the condom got lost in my hair
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
