Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
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Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
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These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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