it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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