and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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