This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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