just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
