There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
