What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
