Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
