Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
