i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
